CHILDREN

My views on children:

1. I don't trust them. Something about their beady little eyes and grubby fingers. Are all children villains? The off-rhyme-relationship between the two words seems to indicate so. And thieving? If I don't have a concept of what's mine and not-mine at age twenty-one, then what chance does a nine-year-old have? Seriously, I see one in the book store unattended and I'm all like, "Dude, you're nine. What are you doing here? You can't even read. Put the mad-libs down, because your fingers have germs on them."

2. They are like mini-people. Tiny, strange and annoying mini-people. They're like shrill person-larvae that have some rudimentary grasp of the damage they can inflict and it only intrigues them. There is no concept of consequence. So what if bites that break the skin leave permanent scars in the shape of tiny mini-person teeth? Human flesh tastes like candy.

3. They swarm. Where there's one, there are invariably others. They're like locusts, except bigger and more voracious. And they play games like 'hide and seek' so you even when you think you've gotten rid of them all they're still there. Lurking. And giggling.

4. The screaming. When humans were evolving from fuzzy proto-humans, the scream fulfilled a specific function as a sort of alarm, saying "I am a small child so pumas can kill me AND THERE IS ONE RIGHT THERE." Today, with modern anti-puma technology being what it is, the scream serves a function more akin to a "Joy-Siren," otherwise known as a "Bieber-Alert." Such a cry teaches listeners not to fear pumas, but to fear happiness.

5. Their ubiquity. Children are everywhere. There is no escape from children. There could be one behind you.

Right.

Now.